Lighten up. Please.

I like to write about gratitude. I occasionally post what I am grateful for that day/week/month, or I talk to people who are struggling about the importance of gratitude in their focus to alter their depressive thoughts. I truly think it is the key for overcoming depression, even clinical depression. 

I never realised how much my gratitude focus has altered my outwards perception until this week.  My flatmate made a comment about how he had never heard anyone laugh as much as me, that our house probably had regular complaints about the level of noise because of my laughter.

The penny dropped. 

You see, for all the horrible things that have happened, for the emotional angst, anxiety, gnawing rejection, past depression, suicidal thoughts and complete loss in being able to find out how life can change, I began focusing on gratitude as a way to stop focusing so much on the negative, and I somewhere, somehow, managed to lighten up

My world has been, and sometimes still is, completely overwhelming. When I introduced the concept of gratitude into my life many many years ago, I wrote post-it notes with all the navel-gazing comments you would expect from someone trying to make a positive change away from a negative life. 

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF

YOU CAN DO IT

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU HAVE NOT WHAT YOU DONT HAVE

ACCEPT YOURSELF JUST AS YOU ARE

LOVE YOURSELF

BE KIND

MOVE FORWARD 

Etc, etc.

It took a long time. Those little mental lists at the end of each day were a way to reprogramme my twisted mind.

Today I am grateful for:

my dog

a roof over my head

being able to afford a meal

a best friend who loves me

There were days my list looked like this:

I’m not dead yet

 

And then days started to look like this: 

http://wp.me/p1w2B6-rs

In between however, I went from going

must think of all the good things in my life

to

my life is good

Yes, I have days where I can’t stand to be in my own skin. Or I’m tired of life. That I feel like I’m all alone. Or that no one could ever love me. However, and this is the key, I laugh at all my own silly moments. 

I stopped taking myself and my life seriously

Now some of you might find this hard to believe, given what you see from the external part that I show. I am often amazed at some of the comments that people make. Some are so darling and so concerned that they warm my heart and make me feel so beautifully blessed, sometimes they seem too over the top, and sometimes they are incredibly judgemental such as accusing me of seeking pity from people. What I have realised is that it is not me taking my life seriously, 

its actually you!!

Which is how come now, when I know there are a few of you wanting the gossip on who I may or may not be seeing, or when I’m being subtweeted about, or when someone judges my views or comments, or says something horrible (like my face looks lopsided) that I have to laugh, I really do, because it is quite ridiculous that someone would put energy into being negative about my life when really I’m just tweeting my random brain farts while laughing at the telly eating cheese as my dog farts on my leg. 

Gratitude became the vehicle for me to notice that even the negative can make me laugh. So call me ugly, tell me I’m a bitch, accuse me of subtweeting, gossip about who I went out with last week, because I no longer care yet I do find it incredibly funny and I do laugh at people who do this now. I lol. Sometimes, I even rofl. Because of my age, I have even been known to psml. for reals.

I adore that I have lightened up. It really is my major, biggest ‘light bulb’ moment. Even though my head still lives in the dark, my heart now lives in the light, and it is wonderful.

Life is so full of horrible ness. I’m not saying that this dark, this ghastly awful shit that happens every day to people who don’t deserve it, should be made fun of or not be taken seriously. Far from it. That is what empathy, sympathy, discussion, law changes, strength, support and love is for.

What I am saying, is this day to day stuff that we in our lovely first world problem lives think is so hard, so frustrating, so serious, so damaging, really isn’t anything at all. It is just noise in amongst the rainbows of a storm, and it is up to you to decide to look at the rainbow, to delight in the rain and wind of the storm, to get blown over or away, to be soaked or to be troubled by the noise. 

I know what I chose now.

xx

 

 

 

About PaulaPavlovaLuva

As fascinating as you want me to be. Nanny, massage Therapist, aspiring photographer, writer, talentless painter, baker, cloud ponderer. View all posts by PaulaPavlovaLuva

4 responses to “Lighten up. Please.

  • bridget hunt

    That really hit home with me. I am seriously learning to lighten up! lol thanks so much for the ideas. I think I was born intense, but at least I have the will and intent now to dwell on gratitude. Now if i could just taper down the intensity a notch, and learn not to take what others think about me too seriously. I pick up other peoples thoughts without them saying a word, their thoughts and feelings can be very degrading and I can pick it up in a heart beat. Where others might just move on to the next person and event I can get stuck in the whys of it, when there really is no answer. Getting stuck in the whys of life can keep you stuck, like depression. I am learning to let go of analysis paralysis. It is too serious, shift shift shift. Sometimes I am afraid it is just me. I was born that way.

    • PaulaPavlovaLuva

      I think part of what we all fail to realise is that the thoughts in our heads, the ones that paralize us, make us feel judged negatively or keep us stuck, are not purely unique to us! You and so many other people are ‘born this way’ and it is not a wrong way. It is an amazing gift to be intune with your emotions. I was born intense also! Stop seeing this as negative. It is important to recognise how special you are, as opposed to viewing yourself based on the negative thoughts you believe others to have of yourself. You are really just reinforcing your own negative opinion of yourself, which is perfectly normal, but perhaps not serving you well.

      I have really taken to heart the past few weeks one saying, and this I think is the way to get past a life that isn’t free of other people’s supposed thoughts about us:

      “What other people think about you is absolutely NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS”.

      Thank you so much for commenting on the blog, I am so very glad it reached something inside of you. Be bold and beautiful and awesome and lovely and just the kindest person you can be. To yourself as well as others.

  • bridget hunt

    Thanks again Paul, your ideas and observations are uplifting, truly, and I love the idea of being as kind as we can be with ourselves and others. Yes . You just gave me more ideas to be grateful for.

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