Weather an issue right now?

It is the sound of wind that makes us cold

the way it rustles in the tall trees across the road

creeping under the front door 

banging the bathroom window

It makes our skin goosebump

hibernating as it blows

our hands whiten from the chill or fear,

breath visable in the air. 

 

It is the sound of thunder reminding us

how small we are in the universe

as it rolls for miles above our heads

as we lie snug in our beds

waiting for the flash of lightening

while we count in between.

 

It is the rain that lashes against the glass

of our simple homes and cars

making the world shimmer and gleam

washing the world clean

soaking through the earth.

 

It is the snow and hail that make us wail

crunching under feet

stopping motion and stilling life

white frosting coated trees 

covering leaves

silencing all. 

 

My disconnected ramblings under the influence of codiene at 2am

Going. Slow. Fast. Disconnecting.

 

I died a little each day we were no longer together.

 

You could have been an old post of a man, strapped with leather and a hook, wrinkled by the sun.  And red tulips in a simple sleeve from the grocery store pressed into your palm.  I shall look at the young man boot strapping cowboy with future in his eyes.

Shake my head shake my hair, pull it if you dare.

Some of you bite your lip and take a side, as the blood drips from the scorn.

 

Sit at the table friend, the smoke is thick, the smiles wide, the coffee black, our seats are wooden, our hearts are warm.  My words are truth no distort, no wah wah pedal on the floor. Break my string, I shall require a rewire, a tune up and a cigarette. Pass me another wine before I smack you to the floor.

Vinyl on the turntable vinyl seats in the room, vinyl paints upon your ass slip slide a tune.  Fidel’s for coffee and a cry, out back the sarcasm wit and a whisky dry. Oh take a sit down at the table let me get you cake and tea, a pint of lager and some empathy.

 

He kissed her cheek as she sighed, she wasn’t asleep, she watches him from the corner of her eye. His gentle hand upon her brow, he leaves forever, she deserves better, he knows this now. 

 

Saying I’m fragile, I try not to be, I search only for something I can’t see.

 

At number five

there was a warmth

beside me

a gold band on my finger

I could hear the door open 

within a few minutes 

the smell of coffee drifted in

the world was safe

even the walls in the kitchen

were the colour of sunshine

with caterpillars outside

becoming butterflies 

while I lay there

inspite of my tormented soul

I allowed myself

to be loved

until the lavender bushes

with the bumblebees

ceased to be ours

at number five

 

 

Things I am grateful for this weekend:

The best snuggle nap with my puppy dog ever.

A fabulous ex husband who listens to me, cares and cracks my back.

Free tickets to the rugby courtesy of BNZ on twitter.

An awesome ex bf who doesnt mind me asking stupid car questions out of the blue.

Being able to buy myself a few little treats in my groceries instead of scrimping to just meet the basics. 

Lying in bed without any guilt in the afternoon, just content, as I watched the sun go down, light hit the plants, as the sky darkened, feeling at an amazing peace.

That two arms held me as I cried, while a voice whispered in my ear that it was ok. 

I have a great deal of kindness in my life right now, given and received.

People on twitter who make me laugh and who care.

A phone call with one of my besties that lasted 3 minutes and was mainly laughter.

That my mum appears to finally be getting the health help she needs.

For hot chocolate and getting caught in the rain.

My first train ride in 8 years. clickty clack always makes me smile. 

For finding a long hair on my chin and not giving a damn if I pluck it out or not.

That pain killers managed to dull my broken body.

Having made a difference to someone who was contemplating suicide, via my blog.

Making up with a friend who I missed. 

That I managed to open up and get real, even let my guard down, if only for a few minutes. 

That I made it to Sunday night knowing I have a job to go to tomorrow and for some reason I have a purpose in this world.

For you. 

x

 

how far is too far? Trolls, and people who care saying too much.

I know I’m fairly open about things on social media, sometimes a little too open for some I suspect. I’m blunt. I’m upfront. I say what I think and I won’t put up with people being nasty to each other, and sometimes I’m sure I get judged in this process. I don’t like people putting each other down. I abhore unkindness. I have put a great deal of effort in to changing myself in the past year, to soften my abrassiveness, to lessen my grasp on control.  Not because I don’t like who I am, but because I feel it is my duty as a human being to improve and strive to be a better person as I age. 

I don’t suffer fools gladly. I don’t tend to accept people judging others or making blanket statements that we should all live by or adhere to. In the aspect of social media, one persons opinion is very quickly open to judgement or acceptance, and there will always be people who agree or disagree with each other. I have made no secret of the fact I have purposefully removed people from my timeline on twitter who troll or voice their opinon a little too loudly about the collective discussions on twitter. I also have to remove anyone who jokes about rape from my view.

This does not necessarily mean that I don’t still care about the people who’s judgemental opinions I chose to keep out of my life.

I recently was subjected to a personal attack via text from a gentleman on twitter, someone who I have socialised with a couple of times and I still believe him to be a gentleman. However he judged me on (his perception of) my lack of professionalism, and subsequently has called me a nut job, a Psycho and tweeted lies about me knowing his address and still sending him texts. Had the tables been turned and it was me calling him out on his professionalism, I’m sure he would have been just as insulted as I was. The thing is, this quite nice man took a view of me based on social media and judged me, without speaking to me personally about the situation (despite me phoning him to discuss). He overstepped a mark, and trolled me. In real life. I have specially removed haters from my life because of the journey I have taken from wanting to end my life and now needing to be safe and strong, and it blew me away that he took issue with me having a new job that I was happy about after being unemployed for two years, and saw it as me having a massive ego. Every one of my friends that I questioned about my discussion of my new job has not seen anything unprofessional or inappropriate in my communication. I am completely at ease with my professionalism, as is my employer.

After 12 texts of bullying where I was trying to defend myself, I had to block him. I had no choice. He was still tweeting about me 2 days ago. I want to let it go, it appears he can’t.

I wish him well and hope that our mutual friends do not feel compromised in their relationship with either of us.

My point is. It is very easy to judge other people without knowing the whole picture, in this social medium, and while it can be awful, horrible, and easy to misinterpret on both sides, it is still a persons’ right to cease negative communication with another human being if it is not in ones best interests to continue, to defend yourself if that is what you need to, and to still respect them as a person despite their misconstrued opinion based on 140 characters or a facebook update.

No one ever knows what another person is going through. Kindness is what I want to live by, but if you attack me without knowing the whole situation nor have the guts to answer your phone, then I will stand up for myself. Which does not mean I am a nutjob. It means you have questioned my integrity and I am allowed to be not okay with that. 

If you are being trolled, my best advice is to not respond. I should not have. I should have let it go, and perhaps today this gentleman would still be my friend. I regret leaving an angry message on his voicemail, for this, I apologise. I felt attacked. I regret him not answering his phone 20 seconds after texting me, so we could discuss it as rational adults. I needed to stand up for myself. I have responded to trolls in the past. There are some people I will never engage with. I see some known trolls try to engage people who are so lovely and I don’t understand the motivation. So please, avoid engagement. This means I am avoiding engagement with a lot of lovely people on twitter right now incase I accidently get burned. Does not mean I don’t care. It means I need to protect myself, even though I am trying and almost succeeding in not worrying what other people think of me. I guess, when attacks come from people who actual matter, it hurts. If you dont matter to me, I can avoid responding. I am trying to be a better person than I was.

I expect to receive messages in regards to this blog, probably from trolls. Say what you want. I won’t respond. Promise.

x

ps:
My personal message to you, my dear, because I know you will read this. Just think about how you would have responded had I questioned your professionalism. We can put in the past, like grown ups. I’m in if you are.

the soft kind heart

I’m the girl

that got ignored

that was left behind

and bullied at school

I’m the girl

that never got invited 

to the party 

or a school dance

I’m the girl 

who played

with my brothers friends

and by myself

I am the girl 

who was teased

called kauri stumps

with tears in my eyes

I am the woman

who struggled to please

standing alone

carving my own path

I am the woman 

who tried and failed

succeeded in between

to start over again

I am the woman

who held your hand

accepted you

loved you always

I am the woman

who went through hell

who was attacked

and lived to tell

I am the woman

with the soft kind heart

who built a shell

to protect myself

I am the woman

who still smiles

helps people out

is proud of myself

I am a woman

who inspires 

forgives all things

and loves life still

 

x

Catching my breath

Its not often I write a blog about where I’m at in my life or what I’m up to. Mainly because my blogs are personal in other ways, so the idea that anyone is remotely interested in where I’m at is kind of crazy.

However I need to write about where I’m at write now. Not for anyone to read this, but for me to get it out of my head, as is why I usually right. For me, not you.

Just over a week ago someone expressed some feelings towards me, and it just so happened this person was someone who I had also expressed some feelings towards a few days earlier. However when I realised I was feeling more than friendship, I knew I had to put them in to the context of ‘not being able to go there’. I believed, and still do, that he is not looking for a relationship. However his confession that he wanted to explore where we could go, made my heart race a little and I was stupid enough to let my heart feel a little, with the natural lead of a human being to think too far ahead, to dream a small expectation that it could work.  My head on the other hand knew it couldn’t happen, that this man would get scared and run away. Turns out I was right. 7 days ago he turned tail, and has now pretty much cut me off as if I don’t exist. This hurts. 

He happens to be in a circle of people I know. Which means I have had to distance myself from them.

On top of this, I have started a new job, which is fabulous and busy and different, and pretty much great for me.  However I always, as most people do, find change challenging, and have found myself exhausted at the end of each day.  

The one thing that really hit home at the end of my first day was, as I walked through the door, kicked my shoes off, went to the kitchen, got myself a drink, a bite to eat, then sat down on my bed to chill out, that I had no one to talk to about my new fabulous day on my new fabulous job.  No one to share the funny bits with, no one to tell about my suddenly having to drive a manual car after 15 years, no one to say ‘well done i’m so proud of you’. I felt so incredibly alone.  

Now I’m used to alone. I like ‘alone’. I have a huge issue with ‘lonely’, something I experience too often and it drives me crazy sometimes.  But it has been a long time since ‘alone’ hasn’t sat well.  This has been dwelling in my head. I got angry. I felt so cheated out of love, so cheated out of life, that I wanted to hit something.  All around me I have people in relationships, loving relationships, living with their partners, married, etc. I even got an email from a married friend this week that said ‘stop trying to find someone’, which I found slightly ironic considering I’ve only recently accepted I should start looking again. Having spent over 6 years living without a partner, I have had plenty of time without someone and have had lots of good times without a man at my side or a need to have one.  

So why, as a grown up, loving woman with a lot to offer,  is it so wrong of me to let the universe know that I am hoping to find someone to love?  To no longer be lonely, to not face a solitary sad alone. To not be afraid to express feelings of ‘like’ to someone without the worry that he will run away like a little boy who has had something bad done to him when someone expresses similar feelings to them? 

I have put my defences back up.  I won’t express my feelings to a man again, this I know, until I know for certain he isn’t just a player. I have left twitter for awhile.  I have retreated in to a shell so my friends can’t hurt me.  So no one can hurt me.  If I have to deal with feelings of loneliness and rejection, I may as well be alone while I do it.  Push before I’m pushed. 

It will be interesting to see how many of my twitter friends actually want to be friends outside of twitter.  I think this is once again a transition of me realising that the people I consider friends are actually people who are only there for a good time while I’m laughing, not here while I’m hurting.  I have a few people in my real life who care if i’m in their life, they know the real me. These are the ones I shall focus on. They are amazing.

The sunshine is gone. Bear is officially hibinating for winter.