About 6 weeks ago I woke up one morning and straight away knew I had depression. It wasn’t a big surprise, as I have had depression often in my adult life. However this wasn’t gradual onset either. It was, without a doubt, the quickest and most significant arrival of the ‘grey’ feeling I can remember.
Previously when I have suffered depression it has been a long term build up over time, with feelings of helplessness, sadness, isolation, lack of interest in people and things, suicidal thoughts even; a general lack of control over emotions; or depression triggered by severe events in my life.
This time there has been a complete overnight change. I went from being absolutely okay one day to complete DOWN the next.
This depression I am under is different in otherways too. There is no sadness. I am not helpless. I do not feel like a victim nor do I want to kill myself. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am not blaming others.
I have deliberately isolated myself from people I know in fact, telling no one apart from my partner, and only told him incase he was concerned about a few changes in me.
I have let this grey depression sit there, a silent companion, it observing me while I observe it. It has removed some colour from my world, but only some. It’s making me immensely tired, more so than usual. I feel more numb about things.
I am saddened that I have once again, kept my depression to myself, having learned in the past that people walk away when they know someone is ‘going through’ something. Well, they did with me. Isolated is not the best way for a depressed person to be.
I am not particularly worried that I don’t have people to rally around me, just a little sad that I am wearing “the mask” of being okay. I know that people have lives to get on with, that me and my silly little head shouldn’t mean they have to go out of their way to be a more concerned friend. I am learning the art of keeping myself out of other people’s lives. I do not get the deep connection I crave, and therefore I keep away.
I don’t ‘do’ superficial, nor does depression.
In the past when I was under the cloud of depression, I assume people avoided me because they didn’t know how to handle depression, which really meant not knowing how to handle me. 10-15 years ago we used to think depression was the entire person, now we know differently.
Depression is something that happens to the person, not caused by or controlled by the person. Liken it to someone who breaks a bone accidentally. It might heal fine on it its one, but it may need a cast to support it. The person may need help to cope with a body that has a broken bone in a cast. They might need crutches. They may need painkillers to deal with the pain.; time has to let the bone heal. It may be fine or it may never be the same, and that often depends on the treatment it received, and how badly it was broken in the first place.
It is the same with depression. It really is that simple.
I want people to know that depression is a weird thing that cannot be controlled. There are things a depressed person can do to help, yes. But you and they can’t control it.
I meditate every day. I walk every day. I get up and go to work. I have a loving partner who I goof around with. I laugh at my dog. I enjoy good food. I read. I played charades at a friends til we were almost crying with laughter. I don’t drink much alcohol. I don’t do drugs. I do not emotionally eat, despite being overweight. I go to the gym. I, for all intents and purposes, am okay. I don’t think negative thoughts. I’m not crying all day, in fact, I haven’t really cried.
My life isn’t filled with non stop joy nor is it full of dark thoughts. Some of the sad thoughts I have are because I’m not where I wanted to be at my age, not because I’m depressed. I am not myself in some regards, and completely myself in all other ways. I like me. I’m okay with me.
I just happen to be depressed.
It’s a feeling. It’s a mental illness. It’s a chemical imbalance. Call it what you want, but do not think I can talk myself out of it. I didn’t set out to be this way. I didn’t pick it up the supermarket because it looked good with a salad. Nor did I decide to be negative as an attention seeking ploy. In fact, I am not negative in my view of life and having isolated myself from my friends, I’m hardly seeking attention. My community did not have to know whats going on. I am only sharing now incase it can help others, as I know there is strength gained for other’s when they see someone else in a similar situation.
What is my depression this time if its not negative thoughts and suicidal tendancies?
My overwhelming symptom is apathy. I don’t care about whether I do or don’t do something, or whether I have things to do or not, or if someone cares or not. I am apathetic to almost all my emotions. Am I happy? Okay. Am I sad? Okay. Did I have a good day? I don’t care. Its how I feel about many things at the moment. I know its the depression, not me. I usually care too damn much, so maybe its my brain rebelling against this, resetting itself, or maybe, maybe right now I just DONT GIVE A DAMN. whatev’s.
The good thing about this depression is the other main symptom I am experiencing – Restlessness. I think that will drive me towards something better. I am hoping it starts to bring passion for something, which will override the apathy. Either way, I have hope about a negative aspect of my depression. Its a good thing.
Which brings me to this.
Depressed people are not all hopeless. They aren’t all sitting in a dark room with their head in their hands. Nor are they crying over spilt milk. Depression doesn’t mean that a person is going to kill themselves. Being depressed does not mean staring into the distance for hours. Depressed people do not think negative thoughts all day. A fat person is not over eating because they are depressed about being fat. A depressed person may or may not be angry. A depressed person may not always feel like killing themselves.
Ultimately, whatever symptoms a person with depression does or doesn’t have, they are not deliberate symptoms, nor can they change them because you think they should. They may be wearing a mask, and they may be sitting next to you at work laughing their head off at something. They may be the quiet person in your band. They might be the loudest, funniest person at your pub quiz. Depression isn’t simple, it comes with a variety of different hats. I’ve worn many of them.
Right now, these two depression hats are new to me and I’m going to do the best I can to let them run their course then disappear. It may take time. I might wake up tomorrow and realise its gone as quick as its arrived. Depression has its own timeline.
In the meantime, I am still me and don’t for one second treat me with distain, distance or offer me platitudes of ‘just keep smiling’.
Just keep treating me as me.
Need help or want more information?
paulapavlovaluva 