It happened one morning just a few weeks ago.

About 6 weeks ago I woke up one morning and straight away knew I had depression. It wasn’t a big surprise, as I have had depression often in my adult life. However this wasn’t gradual onset either.  It was, without a doubt, the quickest and most significant arrival of the ‘grey’ feeling I can remember.

Previously when I have suffered depression it has been a long term build up over time, with feelings of helplessness, sadness, isolation, lack of interest in people and things, suicidal thoughts even; a general lack of control over emotions; or depression triggered by severe events in my life.

This time there has been a complete overnight change. I went from being absolutely okay one day to complete DOWN the next.

This depression I am under is different in otherways too. There is no sadness. I am not helpless. I do not feel like a victim nor do I want to kill myself. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am not blaming others.

I have deliberately isolated myself from people I know in fact, telling no one apart from my partner, and only told him incase he was concerned about a few changes in me.

I have let this grey depression sit there, a silent companion, it observing me while I observe it. It has removed some colour from my world, but only some. It’s making me immensely tired, more so than usual. I feel more numb about things.

I am saddened that I have once again, kept my depression to myself, having learned in the past that people walk away when they know someone is ‘going through’ something. Well, they did with me. Isolated is not the best way for a depressed person to be.

I am not particularly worried that I don’t have people to rally around me, just a little sad that I am wearing “the mask” of being okay. I know that people have lives to get on with, that me and my silly little head shouldn’t mean they have to go out of their way to be a more concerned friend. I am learning the art of keeping myself out of other people’s lives. I do not get the deep connection I crave, and therefore I keep away.

I don’t ‘do’ superficial, nor does depression.

In the past when I was under the cloud of depression, I assume people avoided me because they didn’t know how to handle depression, which really meant not knowing how to handle me. 10-15 years ago we used to think depression was the entire person, now we know differently.

Depression is something that happens to the person, not caused by or controlled by the person. Liken it to someone who breaks a bone accidentally. It might heal fine on it its one, but it may need a cast to support it. The person may need help to cope with a body that has a broken bone in a cast. They might need crutches. They may need painkillers to deal with the pain.; time has to let the bone heal. It may be fine or it may never be the same, and that often depends on the treatment it received, and how badly it was broken in the first place.

It is the same with depression. It really is that simple.

I want people to know that depression is a weird thing that cannot be controlled. There are things a depressed person can do to help, yes. But you and they can’t control it.

I meditate every day. I walk every day. I get up and go to work. I have a loving partner who I goof around with. I laugh at my dog. I enjoy good food. I read. I played charades at a friends til we were almost crying with laughter. I don’t drink much alcohol. I don’t do drugs. I do not emotionally eat, despite being overweight. I go to the gym. I, for all intents and purposes, am okay. I don’t think negative thoughts. I’m not crying all day, in fact, I haven’t really cried.

My life isn’t filled with non stop joy nor is it full of dark thoughts. Some of the sad thoughts I have are because I’m not where I wanted to be at my age, not because I’m depressed. I am not myself in some regards, and completely myself in all other ways. I like me. I’m okay with me.

I just happen to be depressed.

It’s a feeling. It’s a mental illness. It’s a chemical imbalance. Call it what you want, but do not think I can talk myself out of it.  I didn’t set out to be this way. I didn’t pick it up the supermarket because it looked good with a salad. Nor did I decide to be negative as an attention seeking ploy. In fact, I am not negative in my view of life and having isolated myself from my friends, I’m hardly seeking attention. My community did not have to know whats going on. I am only sharing now incase it can help others, as I know there is strength gained for other’s when they see someone else in a similar situation.

What is my depression this time if its not negative thoughts and suicidal tendancies?

My overwhelming symptom is apathy. I don’t care about whether I do or don’t do something, or whether I have things to do or not, or if someone cares or not. I am apathetic to almost all my emotions. Am I happy? Okay. Am I sad? Okay. Did I have a good day? I don’t care. Its how I feel about many things at the moment. I know its the depression, not me. I usually care too damn much, so maybe its my brain rebelling against this, resetting itself, or maybe, maybe right now I just DONT GIVE A DAMN. whatev’s.

The good thing about this depression is the other main symptom I am experiencing – Restlessness. I think that will drive me towards something better. I am hoping it starts to bring passion for something, which will override the apathy. Either way, I have hope about a negative aspect of my depression. Its a good thing.

Which brings me to this.

Depressed people are not all hopeless. They aren’t all sitting in a dark room with their head in their hands. Nor are they crying over spilt milk. Depression doesn’t mean that a person is going to kill themselves. Being depressed does not mean staring into the distance for hours. Depressed people do not think negative thoughts all day. A fat person is not over eating because they are depressed about being fat. A depressed person may or may not be angry. A depressed person may not always feel like killing themselves.

Ultimately, whatever symptoms a person with depression does or doesn’t have, they are not deliberate symptoms, nor can they change them because you think they should. They may be wearing a mask, and they may be sitting next to you at work laughing their head off at something. They may be the quiet person in your band. They might be the loudest, funniest person at your pub quiz. Depression isn’t simple, it comes with a variety of different hats. I’ve worn many of them.

Right now, these two depression hats are new to me and I’m going to do the best I can to let them run their course then disappear. It may take time. I might wake up tomorrow and realise its gone as quick as its arrived. Depression has its own timeline.

In the meantime, I am still me and don’t for one second treat me with distain, distance or offer me platitudes of ‘just keep smiling’.

Just keep treating me as me.

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Need help or want more information?  

Depression helpline 0800 111 757

http://www.depression.org.nz 

http://lifeline.org.nz

Days

I haven’t written anything for months.

Days and days pass me by and I would like to write, but no words come. There is no idea. No creativity. I don’t have anything to write that matters to anyone else, even myself.

It’s as if all the words within me have been locked away, and all my stories have happened.

I realised today that it has been days since I thought about the rape, no flashbacks even. Perhaps its even been over a week. Not that I consciously think about it at all any more, but it does come up in my thoughts, in my mind, at any strange time. But not these last few days.

Does this mean I’m healing? Am I finally getting over it?

Let it be so.

I’ve also been very tired. I just want to sleep all the time.

How do I explain this to the people around me?

Some days I forget the horrible things that have happened, and that’s when I can smile.
Some days I remember, and I still smile. Often I have days where I’m grumpy and disorder irriates my very being.

There are days I’m exhausted to my core and I don’t have an explanation, but I need to rest.

Other days I need to smile despite the pain I’m in, while some days I need to cry because of the pain I’m in.

Today is a day I’m just okay with knowing I didn’t think about bad things for a few days. That is all there is.

That is all I have the capacity to do.

How do I tell the people around me that, and have them accept and love despite that being all I can be for now?

I want more for me. So do they. I just can’t yet. I have no ability to move forward even though I want to.

I am just filling in the days.

It was nothing simple.

When you lost your way, you walked down so many paths, paths that you found without knowing where they would take you, only hoping they would lead you to the place you were meant to be. Only they took you towards places that didn’t provide shelter, there was no warmth, you were turned away, and left outside in the cold. Each path you walked down led to places all the same as these.  You could find a house but you could never find a home. Doors were shut and you sat down in the rain and cried. Once you fell so hard down stairs you screamed so loudly that you thought the screams were coming from someone else and no one came until you had already picked yourself up off the ground while you kept screaming

You were good. you were strong. you were brave and didn’t stop trying to find the right path. you were more courageous than those that stayed in their warm buildings pointing out at you casting their judgements. You grew tall and your skeleton became steel. You learned to call yourself beautiful and speak to the flowers and the trees and the birds that pecked at your feet. Each path took you some where deep in to you, a journey in your mind and your will and your grit, with every step, even though you ached and longed to lay down, longing for someone, not just anyone, but someone real who knew you were brave and wonderful, to hold you in their arms and stroke your hair and tell you it was all going to be ok. 

Perhaps it was just this thought alone that kept your big feet walking when your mind lost all ability to focus on the steps.  

You have only just reached the right path. It took you far too long, with far too many dead ends, far too many cliffs that almost saw you fall down or jump because you couldn’t find a way across and you knew you’d have to turn back before you could go forward, and that alone broke your will in so many ways. Never once did you stop from noticing the brilliant sunsets. You saw reflections of the sky in the puddles of tears on the ground. You would stop in your tracks some days, staring at the leaves, noticing that the deep fresh green of spring was now a rust autumn orange. Or you would talk to the stray dog or hold the kitten that was dumped and you gave them love. you had a heart that longed to love and that has been your blessing. That heart has not only held love to give, but despite all the slashing of your faith that you could be loved, the love within yourself has grown, your sensitivity has become kindness, your hurt is now compassion, your witness of pain has become empathy. Your heart is an example of what a content beautiful lovely person should be and now you are seeing this, like a double rainbow in the sky just after the rain. You know this, because you always stopped to look at them too. You walked in the rain as it was one of the few things you could enjoy. You have found joy in places that people never see. When you sit and stare and contemplate the way a tree bends in the storm, others run for shelter and you smile.

You have had the most worthwhile journey.  It was nothing simple. It was never meant to take so long. Your feet were not meant to be blistered. You were not meant to go on some of those paths because it meant you used your delicate hands to build concrete walls along the way. Yet each step, be it ahead or backward, has brought you here to today. 

Today you are on a good path. It is not the path you wanted to be on. The child you longed for is still not at your side. There is no home of your own. You have no partner to share these daily steps with. Yet the way you smile lightens people and you realise how much you manage to brighten the world now. This is the gift you have gained from having years of being lost. You found everything you need within you to live a meaningful existence without that which you wanted at the beginning. This does not mean you dont still desire what you wanted. You are only just here remember, you have only just ceased being lost and this is possibly because you stopped searching and gave it all to a faith within that you could get to where you needed to be. Only now you have stopped looking.

You have come to a place where you are surrounded by love and support. You are almost safe. Hands and hearts will reach out to you. Somehow, someone will break down that lack of trust that threatens your ability to be loved, that which keeps you slightly separate. This path is a good one. Who is to say it is the one you will stay on, or if its the one that is right for you, so keep walking and enjoy the journey. Stop to turn your face up to the sun as you so love to do. I am proud of who you are, who you have become. You started off beautiful and crazy and rejected and scared and abused and young and frightened. Welcome to being beautiful and crazy and accepted and brave and kind and wise and strong. Cast your light and shine, love and be loved.

You deserve it.