Things are never simple

If I was a simple girl

You could never look me in the eye, and it wouldn’t matter

You could change your way with me, and I wouldn’t mind If I was a simple girl

My heart wouldn’t contemplate and wish for more than we have

My heart wouldn’t race louder and long for you to notice me

But I am not a simple girl

My heart feels everything, even when if feels numb

My heart feels lost and found, even when it is full

As I am a complex girl

You see me as hard work, not as joyful delight.

You see what I present to you;

you fail to see my light.

Things to Sort

I wrote this back in July 2012. It started off with a ‘things to sort physically’ paragraphy, which involved getting rid of furniture and clothes, papers and business items. I’m not sure where I was going, given that I am still living in the same house, but I was definitely in a moving on phase.

Once again, I find myself there, and the message I wrote to myself still strikes my heart with purpose, wisdom and compassion. Some of the knowledge I have put into practise, so much of it is still the evolution of myself.

Perhaps you will find a little inspiration within my words, as I have.

Things to sort emotionally: Tell your friends you love them. Leave the pain in the past and be grateful for how it has shaped you. Let your relationships with your birth families be. Visit your parents every 3 months, and make it even sooner if you can. Know that everything had a plan, to get you to where you should be, to make you strong enough to cope, to shape who you are, to recognise that depth of emotions are important, but do not have to rule who you are. Notice how others include joy in their life. Let the small things roll off you.  Let others be who they are as much as you wish to embrace your own differences.  If others judge you, realise it is because they are insecure and trying to make you feel smaller than them, and do not listen to their judgements as they mean nothing.  Accept that you may always be searching for what you want to do, for who you think you should be, and that means a journey full of different experiences, of development, of ability to excel at anything you chose.  This makes you are adaptable and capable far beyond what you perceive to be your limits. Love with your walls and boundaries down, with no expectations, just be with them.  If you lose them, appreciate what you gained. If you keep them, then you both gain.  The relationships you have may change, their declarations of feelings may change, what matters is your response to the change and letting go of who they have become.  If they chose to only give part of themselves, accept this. If you need more, let them know, and find it else where. This does not mean that person has to leave your life, because what they do offer can be wonderful.  Do not expect one person to fulfill all your needs in a relationship.  Do not expect anyone to fulfill you and love you except you. Love yourself. You are the best person to know what is right for you, despite what others say, despite their opinions and comments, their looks, their judgements, it all comes down to you. You know how wonderful you are.

Things to sort externally: Cease external reliance.  Accept that a job is just a job, it does not have to complete you.  Allow it to stay at work, do what you need to do, and come home at the end of the day to live your life. Value yourself, but not to the detriment of getting your job done to your satisfaction. Be graceful. Be firm. Be resilient. Treat others, including strangers, as beautiful people with respect. Be courteous. Be humble. Smile. Accept that others who are like yourself are not competition but just beings doing their thing. Honour your body, with the things you eat, the way you move, the stretches you engage in, the pain it needs healing from. Let water cleanse you. Listen to your mind, challenge it, let it discover and engage in stronger thought than you give it. Express yourself. Gain financial independence, know where your money goes and indulge in things to make you happy, even though you have learnt not to do this. Say yes to more things that will make you smile, say no to things that you will regret. Learn more things that will give you job. Spend less time on the things that don’t matter.  Don’t carry guilt. Dont carry shame.

Allow yourself to be at one with the trees that bend, the breeze that blows, the waves that crash and the heart that beats.

It happened one morning just a few weeks ago.

About 6 weeks ago I woke up one morning and straight away knew I had depression. It wasn’t a big surprise, as I have had depression often in my adult life. However this wasn’t gradual onset either.  It was, without a doubt, the quickest and most significant arrival of the ‘grey’ feeling I can remember.

Previously when I have suffered depression it has been a long term build up over time, with feelings of helplessness, sadness, isolation, lack of interest in people and things, suicidal thoughts even; a general lack of control over emotions; or depression triggered by severe events in my life.

This time there has been a complete overnight change. I went from being absolutely okay one day to complete DOWN the next.

This depression I am under is different in otherways too. There is no sadness. I am not helpless. I do not feel like a victim nor do I want to kill myself. I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am not blaming others.

I have deliberately isolated myself from people I know in fact, telling no one apart from my partner, and only told him incase he was concerned about a few changes in me.

I have let this grey depression sit there, a silent companion, it observing me while I observe it. It has removed some colour from my world, but only some. It’s making me immensely tired, more so than usual. I feel more numb about things.

I am saddened that I have once again, kept my depression to myself, having learned in the past that people walk away when they know someone is ‘going through’ something. Well, they did with me. Isolated is not the best way for a depressed person to be.

I am not particularly worried that I don’t have people to rally around me, just a little sad that I am wearing “the mask” of being okay. I know that people have lives to get on with, that me and my silly little head shouldn’t mean they have to go out of their way to be a more concerned friend. I am learning the art of keeping myself out of other people’s lives. I do not get the deep connection I crave, and therefore I keep away.

I don’t ‘do’ superficial, nor does depression.

In the past when I was under the cloud of depression, I assume people avoided me because they didn’t know how to handle depression, which really meant not knowing how to handle me. 10-15 years ago we used to think depression was the entire person, now we know differently.

Depression is something that happens to the person, not caused by or controlled by the person. Liken it to someone who breaks a bone accidentally. It might heal fine on it its one, but it may need a cast to support it. The person may need help to cope with a body that has a broken bone in a cast. They might need crutches. They may need painkillers to deal with the pain.; time has to let the bone heal. It may be fine or it may never be the same, and that often depends on the treatment it received, and how badly it was broken in the first place.

It is the same with depression. It really is that simple.

I want people to know that depression is a weird thing that cannot be controlled. There are things a depressed person can do to help, yes. But you and they can’t control it.

I meditate every day. I walk every day. I get up and go to work. I have a loving partner who I goof around with. I laugh at my dog. I enjoy good food. I read. I played charades at a friends til we were almost crying with laughter. I don’t drink much alcohol. I don’t do drugs. I do not emotionally eat, despite being overweight. I go to the gym. I, for all intents and purposes, am okay. I don’t think negative thoughts. I’m not crying all day, in fact, I haven’t really cried.

My life isn’t filled with non stop joy nor is it full of dark thoughts. Some of the sad thoughts I have are because I’m not where I wanted to be at my age, not because I’m depressed. I am not myself in some regards, and completely myself in all other ways. I like me. I’m okay with me.

I just happen to be depressed.

It’s a feeling. It’s a mental illness. It’s a chemical imbalance. Call it what you want, but do not think I can talk myself out of it.  I didn’t set out to be this way. I didn’t pick it up the supermarket because it looked good with a salad. Nor did I decide to be negative as an attention seeking ploy. In fact, I am not negative in my view of life and having isolated myself from my friends, I’m hardly seeking attention. My community did not have to know whats going on. I am only sharing now incase it can help others, as I know there is strength gained for other’s when they see someone else in a similar situation.

What is my depression this time if its not negative thoughts and suicidal tendancies?

My overwhelming symptom is apathy. I don’t care about whether I do or don’t do something, or whether I have things to do or not, or if someone cares or not. I am apathetic to almost all my emotions. Am I happy? Okay. Am I sad? Okay. Did I have a good day? I don’t care. Its how I feel about many things at the moment. I know its the depression, not me. I usually care too damn much, so maybe its my brain rebelling against this, resetting itself, or maybe, maybe right now I just DONT GIVE A DAMN. whatev’s.

The good thing about this depression is the other main symptom I am experiencing – Restlessness. I think that will drive me towards something better. I am hoping it starts to bring passion for something, which will override the apathy. Either way, I have hope about a negative aspect of my depression. Its a good thing.

Which brings me to this.

Depressed people are not all hopeless. They aren’t all sitting in a dark room with their head in their hands. Nor are they crying over spilt milk. Depression doesn’t mean that a person is going to kill themselves. Being depressed does not mean staring into the distance for hours. Depressed people do not think negative thoughts all day. A fat person is not over eating because they are depressed about being fat. A depressed person may or may not be angry. A depressed person may not always feel like killing themselves.

Ultimately, whatever symptoms a person with depression does or doesn’t have, they are not deliberate symptoms, nor can they change them because you think they should. They may be wearing a mask, and they may be sitting next to you at work laughing their head off at something. They may be the quiet person in your band. They might be the loudest, funniest person at your pub quiz. Depression isn’t simple, it comes with a variety of different hats. I’ve worn many of them.

Right now, these two depression hats are new to me and I’m going to do the best I can to let them run their course then disappear. It may take time. I might wake up tomorrow and realise its gone as quick as its arrived. Depression has its own timeline.

In the meantime, I am still me and don’t for one second treat me with distain, distance or offer me platitudes of ‘just keep smiling’.

Just keep treating me as me.

---

Need help or want more information?  

Depression helpline 0800 111 757

http://www.depression.org.nz 

http://lifeline.org.nz

Small steps to fabulousness

Despite only working part time, and within the limits of budget and chronic pain, I have a list of things I want to achieve in this first year of 40.

My brain has gone into protection mode to stop me harming myself incase I trigger my fibromyalgia and chronic pain. Which has resulted in me slipping into a life that doesn’t have much fun in it.

Somehow I belive the universe will provide me with the financial means and the motivation to do, along with the people to share these with.

I’ve put in some ideas on how you may be able to help me make some of these happen.

GLITTER LIPS. I’m pretty sure my lips would look awesome like this

are you a make up artist? can you do this?

Learn more about my camera and go shoot interesting things

 Lets organise places to go take photos together and share your knowledge!

Learn to RIDE A MOTORBIKE!!

if you know how, can you give me a lesson or two?

Get myself another MX 5, one that doesn’t need so much work as my last one.

  I need money to get this. So its up to me.

Investigate making naked wedding cakes
Donate some ingredients and i’ll bake you some cakes naked style

– paint more –
I’ve got this

– write more –
give me ideas on a blog you think I could specialise in ?

 Arrange a monthly coffee catch up with friends en mass

                                                                         put your hand up to come along!

Start a pub quiz group – put your hand up and commit to coming along!

Go see more live bands
lets chose cheap ones and go together 🔊🎶

Eat dessert out more often
may have to be from the take out menu, but I can live with that

– chuck out half my wardrobe –

because I truly believe I will always be fat but need my 4 different sized clothes

Lose 10kgs

by building muscle at the gym to become healthier

I’m not intending to have a 40 midlife crisis. I can’t afford it! I just want a more fullfilling life. 

If you can help me introduce more fun into my life, while accepting I may have limitations (either financial or pain), then I would appreciate it. I may say no at first, as I’m struggling with anxiety right now. But I do want to be involved and I will, given a safe environment. The less stress to obtain the fun at first, the better.

Small steps. I’m hoping to be more fabulous again like I was once.

Days

I haven’t written anything for months.

Days and days pass me by and I would like to write, but no words come. There is no idea. No creativity. I don’t have anything to write that matters to anyone else, even myself.

It’s as if all the words within me have been locked away, and all my stories have happened.

I realised today that it has been days since I thought about the rape, no flashbacks even. Perhaps its even been over a week. Not that I consciously think about it at all any more, but it does come up in my thoughts, in my mind, at any strange time. But not these last few days.

Does this mean I’m healing? Am I finally getting over it?

Let it be so.

I’ve also been very tired. I just want to sleep all the time.

How do I explain this to the people around me?

Some days I forget the horrible things that have happened, and that’s when I can smile.
Some days I remember, and I still smile. Often I have days where I’m grumpy and disorder irriates my very being.

There are days I’m exhausted to my core and I don’t have an explanation, but I need to rest.

Other days I need to smile despite the pain I’m in, while some days I need to cry because of the pain I’m in.

Today is a day I’m just okay with knowing I didn’t think about bad things for a few days. That is all there is.

That is all I have the capacity to do.

How do I tell the people around me that, and have them accept and love despite that being all I can be for now?

I want more for me. So do they. I just can’t yet. I have no ability to move forward even though I want to.

I am just filling in the days.

Lying in wait

When I lie in bed at night, writhing in the torment of insomnia, do you know what I experience?

I hear the fizzes and pops in my body. The sound of blood pouring through my vein. The pump of my heart. I hear my eyelids moving. I hear my eyelashes touching each other, the rasp of my skin as my fingers rub together anxiously. The noise of my jaw as it pops. The click of my tongue as I swallow saliva.

I hear my breath. In and out. Out. and In.

I hear the sheets move, the blankets rustle. I hear your breath, at a pace shallower and quicker than mine. I hear your snore.

I feel my muscles tight in my arms, my shoulders, my neck. My neck is sore. My shoulder aches from the rounded position I lie in, my neck hurts from its very own being. My hips lie heavy and strain to find comfort. My legs restlessly find no respite from themselves. The weight of the blanket is heavy upon the big toes of both my long feet. I feel the pounding in my temples as the pain hits in and out.

My stomach is a ball of discomfort. My heart rate is fast. My teeth gnash in frustration. I feel tension through my entire core, an underlying anger. All this has existed for years.

I don’t feel safe. I am lying in wait to face battle. I am trying to figure out how to survive the next day. I am trying to comprehend the daily effort of just getting through and making sure everyone sees that I am absolutely capable and fine and not struggling. I am the prey. I am the hunter. I am in preparation for the next time I have to wage war upon life, or daily activites, or my own emotions. I am ready. I can not relax.

I know at some point I will disappear behind my brain’s great desire to rest the body. I know I will wake up drained, in exhausted fatigue.

I know I will have no one to talk to for awhile, and when I do, my words will be for work, not for me. I know I will think about how to pay the bills, how to improve my life, how to get more money coming in, how to reduce the bills so I have a few spare dollars somehow, how to drive more economically, how to walk carefully without being noticed, how to not talk about something that will make people judge me, how to not discuss my emotions, how to avoid the answer to ‘how are you today’, how to not cry before I have even got out of the car, how not to get angry at traffic, how not to just drive off the wharf and no longer have to think about the things I cannot write about because they are too personal and should never have had to be in my head in the first place.

I will think about those couple of times that disgust me to be in my own body. I will think about what other people have said about rape and how women get treated as sexual objects. I will think about whether I let the rape happen, then I will argue with myself that there was nothing I could do. That argument will go on until I can no longer stand to replay the entire event over and over again in my head to see if there is a loophole somewhere that means I can escape the memory permanently.

As I lie here and breath while I think of all that, I hear a bird. It is dawn. I have been awake another night and you soon you will get up for work. Then I might actually sleep, because I have once more managed to survive the night as good as I survive during the day.

With a fight.

Dear Friend, please let go.

Dear friend,

10 days ago I started to meditate. I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue due to Fibromyalgia. I was unsure if meditation would help me reduce my pain. As it turns out, my pain has reduced significantly in a very short space of time.

For the first time in months, I haven’t taken migraine medication. I haven’t had to bathe my neck and shoulders in deep heat. I haven’t had to lie down after work to recover simple because the pain is overwehlming.

My pain has gone from an average daily 8/10 to a 3/10-2/10. In 10 days.

I have no idea if this will help me long term.

I have no idea if this is mind over matter, or due to specific daily relaxation, or if meditation really is the key. It may be the use of theta, alpha or delta waves that I play in the background.

Whatever is reducing my pain isn’t really the issue. It doesn’t need to be a box I have to tick. All I know is that by meditating every day, is reducing my pain.

So may I suggest you try this too, especially if you have pain in your body or stress in your life. It won’t cost you anything other than you willingness to try, and the time you invest.

Everyday, set aside a period of time where you are comfy, warm, and won’t be disturbed. Be calm. Settle yourself and prepare. Breathe deep. Try to stream a conscious thought about why you are doing this, but don’t try to think how to. Let the mind take over. Let your conscious thoughts release. Focus on your breath, how it goes in and out of your body. Notice the weight and lightness in your body. Focus on pushing the breath through your body. Allow yourself to let go and have the body heal itself.

You can do this. It takes some commitment, some belief, some willingness to stop trying to control yourself and the outcomes of your thoughts.

Just try it. and let me know how it goes. I want you to experience the release from pain that I have achieved so far.

Best of luck, my dear friend.

Words from my subconsious

Now is not the time to feel weighed down by the pain, weighed down by the movement of life. It is a time to flow with the daily mundane, the daily chore, and let it wash over and through you, as it is part of life at this moment of where you are.

The lightness comes in the sneaky corners, aware from the focus of doing the day, waiting for you to grasp it, to hold it. Allow light to wash upon all that you do, so that each day, each chore, each task you have to do becomes lighter and lighter, causing less impact on your body, on your mind, and on your soul, until they become a pleasure to do.

This is how one must release the pressure and weight of modern life. When the activity of doing becomes an activity of being, the heavy ache of doing becomes the light act of being.

Soon the light will begin to not just sneak in, but be allowed in. You will invite it to shed its glow upon each thing that you do. As everything lights up, it will not only become light from brightness, but lighter in weight upon your being. Even your pain will lighten upon your being, and ease itself out of your cells. You will know what it is to be free of pain more and more. You will let the weight out and light in.

All you have to do, is feel fresh illuminating vibrancy to your core of everything you do. Alluring energy. Let it become your way of being.

 

Another end of year reflection blog

I was resisting doing this blog.

I feel like I have spent my entire life looking back and contemplating, examining and reflecting.

Quite frankly, I have got damn bored of it. But it is the end of the year, and everyone else is doing one of these blogs. Plus, I’m trying to imagine how I can move into the new year with faith and hope, without a tiny reflection about how to have a different perspective on life. 

I have done an awful lot of growing up this year. In fact, I think I finally found myself. Which, considering the year started with me losing myself, is probably to be expected.  

I have been the brokest I have ever been. and that is saying something.  It has truly taught me that without money, few people want to know you, have anything to do with you or invite you anywhere. Gosh its a fickle, superficial world we live in, New Zealand. 

There is an entire sector of people in our community who think that because you have a degree and are earning a great deal of money, then people who don’t have a degree and are doing ‘unskilled work’ are actually less human and less worthy of being treated as human. I don’t like the people who think this. My unskilled work does not reflect my level of intelligence, I accept that. But it doesn’t mean unskilled workers don’t have intelligence nor does it mean they don’t dream of the life they would have had as a doctor or astronaut.  Show your waitress respect.

OOOO nasty bit of reflection. 

I learned that some people are there for you no matter what. They promise nothing. They don’t say things and then never follow through. They just know that they need to be there when you need them, and you know that they are. There are very few people who are this wonderful, who think beyond themselves and extend their heart with utter love. I am incredibly blessed with the people in my life who are these people. I have been taught what real friendship is. 

I have learned I don’t like working on my own. I am a people person. Given another chance at life, I would have gone in to Human Relations, Marketing or PR.  I would excel at this. But because I don’t have the experience or a degree, this is practically unachievable. So I will pump my own fist at knowing how awesome I would have been in this field. Also, that I hate sales, and that those job offers as a Sales Rep were the right thing for me to turn down. I would have been an awesome Pediatrician too. 

I have learned that family is what you make it, not a blood tie or a legal document. I lost a family member this year. I couldn’t attend the funeral. That was a sad point. The same family gained a wee cherub. That was a happy point. 

I have learned to catch curve balls when they are thrown at me. Also chocolate bars, which often fly through the air at the greatest of speed. 

On reflection, not having the money for a facial every few months hasn’t aged me as much as I thought it would. My hair hasn’t fallen out because I have returned to cutting it to save money. My friends don’t ignore me because I’m wearing knickers so old they are in holes. Nor does my dog cuddle me any less because I can only afford supermarket food for him instead of specialised breed vet food.

I broke my heart. I gained a backbone. I gave the universe an ultimatium and in return it gave me a love that will be here for the rest of my life. I learned to fight, to speak up, to get angry, to use my anger to let my voice be heard and my needs met. I let go of what could have beens and should have beens.

I realised that some people will stop at nothing to damage people, to manipulate them, to hurt them, purely for their own amusement. These people are to be ignored. The end.

I learned it is okay to walk away from someone in the middle of them talking to me if it does not serve my mental health well to stay there. 

Ultimately, I have done my utmost to make people realise that having mental health issues does not mean you are crazy or insane, as much as bleeding after cutting your finger with a knife does not make you a haemophiliac.  

I see a counselor every week. If you chose to not see one, you are chosing to stay stuck in your pain and I will not listen to your problems any more. You only want to hear and indulge in your pain, you do not want to leave it.

I have learned that driving half way across the country to have a drink with a stranger was the best way to see in the last New Years.

Which brings me to this New Years.

My boyfriend is the highlight of my year. He arrived in my life as I was going through hell with my career. He makes me laugh every day, he and my Dad get on as if they are family already, and he misses my dog as much as me when Angelo is away. It has been me who questioned commitment, as I realised I fear it as much as I avoid happiness. Lucky for me, I now have both. The boyfriend is here to see in the new year. We will smile. 

A big year. My career went no where, yet ironically, it is because of this, that I am now returning to my beloved career as a self-employed massage therapist.

I have accepted myself as a true resilient, loving, caring soul. I am not as kind as I used to be, yet this stops me being used as I have been in the past. I have learned to say enough. I have stuck up for myself. I have assessed my own sense of what I have done wrong and right. 

Finally, 1 year and 14 days before I turn 40, I love me. Now that is a good self-reflection.

 

Little gems

Okay, so its not really in my nature to just see the shit in life. So despite all the crap from this week, here are a few little gems. 

Flatmate (the one who has paid) sends texts to make me laugh and cooks me dinner. I wish I had the mind of a 23 year old still, it is fun. 

Went with my darling BFF (Bronnie friend forever) to Bitchin Bingo at the pub and despite winning nothing we laughed our arses off. 

I made it through a counseling session without crying. 

Some friends sent me messages, took time to talk to me, and let me know in their own way that I do have good two-way friendships in my life, even if these moments are few and far between. 

I accepted that I will never be part of a female group of friends because they don’t want me in it, not because I’m not good enough. I can be beautiful in my heart and in my smile all on my own. If you don’t want me, I don’t want you.

A wonderful group of people on twitter surprised me with their support. Suffice to say some peeps are darling, thank you for voicing your support to me #teampaula

I can live without internet. Even if only for a few hours #twitterjail

I lost some weight. I don’t have scales, but all of a sudden I am getting a waist. Yay for not being able to afford 3 meals a day.

For finding my inner GRRRR. I have not expressed my anger and frustration much in my life this past decade, I tend to get overwhelmed and sad, instead of fired up and mad. This has changed, and I think it is a good change. I can convert this in to passion, motivation and improving things. 

I had a massage courtesy of a 50% voucher from BFF. It was a truly good massage, I even managed to turn my brain off for half an hour. 

Walks on Takapuna beach have been a huge blessing this week. To be a few minutes walk away, able to pop down and watch the waves, has calmed and soothed my soul.

and of course, a gratitude blog from me would not be complete without:

My darling puppy dog Angelo.

Thank you for being the best buddy and loving me despite all the places I drag you too and making you sit in the car and wait and for putting up with my bosses dog going crazy. You are completely true to your name, my little 4 paws. 

 

Thank you. Keep up the good work.

xx